Frequently Asked Questions
q. . Isn’t the name “Zoomtard” offensive?
a. I guess it is rude in the same way that using the word fag correctly to denote a small collection of sticks often used in Roman ceremonies is rude. Or more relevantly, using the word tardy to mean someone who is late for a meeting. I find your question offensive. Later today I am going to empty the air from all your tyres.
q. What is a Zoomtard?
a. It is slang, meaning to be speedy or efficient by abandoning all pretense of mental competence. “I totally Zoomtarded that essay I had to write and ended up just copy and pasting it onto my blog.”
q. How did this start?
a. A thoughtul and skint friend decided to make a blog for me as a birthday gift back in 2003. I started to enjoy it. It just grew and grew and grew until today when as many as sixteen people might access it during any given week.
q. What software do you use?
a. WordPress. Used to be MovableType. Might one day be posterous. Will not be blogger.
q. How do you write an entry?
a. I just steal a glance at Nelly’s notebooks and rapidly try to write up what ever I could glean as fast as possible, typos be damned and publish it to the web, praying that no one will ever spot that I am in fact an idiot with nothing of real worth to say.
q. How long does it write?
a. A blog entry can gestate for months in the form of idle thoughts. Or it can be based entirely on stray concepts that bounce up when I am reading books, watching movies, or browsing other blogs. I turn it into a Zoomtard as fast as I can because I don’t take it entirely seriously.
q. Do you ever feel great shame after publishing Zoomtards?
a. All. The. Time. I don’t take it entirely seriously but the man behind Zoomtard is still a bit of a perfectionist who blushes when he reads the kind of half baked ideas you crazy fools seem to love. Or at least like reading more than the accounts you get paid to process.
q. Where do you get ideas?
a. I live with a very smart lady. I work for a very smart man. I am very fortunate that I have a bunch of excellent friends. What I mean to say is that I rob the vast majority of my ideas, tweak them very slightly and then offer them up in various modes, including this one. I have no idea how I am pulling it off but I am not going to stop until someone realises the grand sham it is.
q. Do you think blogs are a symptom of self-obsessed, narcissistic, middle class culture being taken to extraordinary degrees through the possibilities offered by modern technology?
a. No. I gotta say that I find the idea that weblogs are somehow useless because they are written by normal, mediocre, unskilled Joe’s like me troublingly elitist. Sure you could get away with it if you were part of the elite, like Betamaxnomates but when I read it in a silly op-ed piece in a newspaper I wonder why opinions aren’t valuable simple because they come from ordinary folk.
I read the blogs of ordinary folks with opinions that are expressed well. I read the op-eds of ordinary folks who get paid by newspapers to express their opinions well.
Maybe I am not expressing my opinion well but the point is that there is no problem for me with blogs being very personal, almost like diaries. If they are boring diaries, no one will read them. But while I still have collections of George Orwell and CS Lewis’ letters on my shelf, I probably won’t be able to say that there is a problem with people publishing personal diary-esque thoughts.
q. What is the best movie ever made?
a. Probably this one.
q. Scientifically speaking, was the Bible once a monkey?
a. Almost definitely. Anthropologists proved that in a lab in 1456.
q. Can we contact Zoomtard to complain or compliment?
a. You can probably reach him at email@example.com